Full Circle

We have reached summer.  Thank you Jesus!  So...tonight I blog!

I came across a quote the other day.  It has really stuck with me lately.

"Everything comes full circle.  It doesn't matter what it looks like now.  Good people have better things coming and bad people have bad things coming.  As long as the world is turning, what goes around will come around.  Man sees the now, but God knows the future. Man judges what you show, God knows your heart.  You'll get what you deserve so make sure your heart is in the right place at all times! @TonyGaskins"

I've been thinking a lot about an old friend lately.  I lost him in my divorce.  I used to think it was all his fault.  He chose my ex.  Not me.  So therefore, he is wrong.  (BTW...his favorite song just came on Pandora right this second....coincidence?!?!)  I felt he should understand that I was in the right.  I was the victim.  Why could he not get that?  Why would he even still talk to my ex?  The man cheated on me!  How could you still be his friend?  He broke our little circle!!!!  But.....then again....did he really choose my ex?  Or did I dive him to that?

I was a mess during the divorce.  Angry, crying, depressed, anxious....it was bad.  I couldn't get through a day without crying.  I wanted to hear my friend say he was there for me.  That he understood why I was so upset.  That he would be by my side during this difficult time.  But he couldn't do that.  Fucktard put him in awkward position.  He shouldn't have to choose.  He was both of our friend.

But here we are now....the divorce is way over.  I am finally feeling happy again.  I am seeing clarity about the divorce and am learning from it.  I am helping others who are going through divorces.  God is using me in a way I never thought I would have to be in.  So...why am I thinking of my friend?

The quote...who is the bad person?  Who is the good person?  Who the fuck cares?  The last line is what is really speaking to me....You'll get what you deserve so make sure your heart is in the right place at all times.  That is huge.  I have worked so hard this past year and half on making sure my heart is in the right place. But this line is so important for my friend right now....He'll get what he deserves...but I don't know where his heart is right now.  

The quote also speaks to me because I know that all that happened....what goes around comes around.  My unhappiness is leaving...so is their happiness leaving them?  I will never know this answer....only God does.  A wise friend said to me, "They will have to stand before God someday and be judged for this."  It is not something I will see....but know it will come.  And truly that is all that matters.  And if we work on making sure our hearts are in the right place, in the end...we get what we deserve...Him.

I will leave you with this picture.  The girl in it is me....I do that look all the time.  The more and more I think about all that has happened....I just get that look!  But I better be careful...don't want my wrinkles to come back!

Sorry...I ain't sorry

Oh yeah that's right!  I started out this blog with the fingers.  The Fuck you, I ain't sorry for shit middle fingers.  I have been listening to Beyonce's Lemonade Album and it is empowering!  I have no ideas if the rumors are true or not...but she knows exactly how a victim of a cheater feels!

I am going through a little anger issue right now.  Mainly for a friend, but it is bringing up some past feelings.  I have been having some anger creep up about the divorce.  Is it the devil trying to get me angry over things that I can not change, do not want to change?  Or is it God trying to tell me I haven't finished grieving?  Is this normal?  Do others who have gone through this have such strong empathy towards others going through this that it makes you really, really angry?

Truly right now, things are good.  Better than they have been. I got a cat.  She is kickass and I adore her!  I am loving where I live.  This area!  Ahmazing! And  I've met someone.  He's amazing.  He doesn't know it, but he has shown me that guys can be good.  It's been too long since I've thought that.  So why angry?

But my anger is more this time.  Now it's about the feeling of being replaced.  It's about losing my best friends.  The two guys I adored.  It's about losing my family.  My nieces, my nephew.  She now has them.  That hurts more now.  I know that I turned away too, but I had to.  My heart couldn't take it.  Maybe I haven't really spent time to grieve my losses.  Maybe that's why I am mad now.

These lyrics....from Sorry, a song from Beyonce's Lemonade.  These are just a few.  The ones that stand out to me,

Middle fingers up, put them hands high
Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye
Tell him, boy, bye, middle fingers up
I ain't thinking 'bout you

Sorry, I ain't sorry
Sorry, I ain't sorry
I ain't sorry, nigga, nah
I ain't thinking 'bout you
Sorry, I ain't sorry
Sorry, I ain't sorry
No no, hell nah

Looking at my watch, he shoulda been home
Today I regret the night I put that ring on
He always got them fucking excuses
I pray to the Lord you reveal what his truth is
I left a note in the hallway
By the time you read it, I'll be far away
I'm far away

These lyrics....I think these are what I wanted to say to Fucktard and his boy friend.  I wish I could say them.  Some closure.  Angry closure.  But closure.

Confidence

I have just danced around my living room to Taylor Swift.  In my cute new boy shorts and cami.  I am looking like a damn fool!  But it was a really good song!  Why am I telling you this?  And why would I ever think I should be dancing around!?!?

People....I walked the Cowtown Half Marathon.  Seriously.  It took 3 hours and 40 minutes of my fat life to do it, but I did it.  This ass walked all 13.1 miles, all over Ft. Worth.  I conquered that bitch of a hill.  I hit that wall at 10 miles, but found a new friend to talk me through it.  I had to poop at 11 miles, but I kept it in till I was finished!  My fingers looked like sausages...I couldn't walk for about 24 hours after it.  But I did it.

So, now that you know this, that is why dancing around my living room sounds impossible!  I should still be sore!  I should be barely able to walk!  But no!  My body is strong enough to make it through a half marathon.  That should give me all the confidence in the world!

But the thing is....I don't I have the confidence of the world.  In fact, I don't think I have much at all.  Do you ever have one of those days you doubt everything you've ever done and what you are planning to do?

Do I want to stay a teacher?  I had a parent get upset with me today. This really got to me.  Why am I still doing this?  I know it is just one parent, but this isn't the first and won't be the last.  It has been a rough year professionally.  And it makes me start to doubt if I need to stay in this profession.  I'm beginning to lose my confidence.

So...if you know me.....this will come to no shock to you....but I am dating.  Yes really!  I know!  I've been dating for a while now.  It has been interesting to say the least.  I didn't do much dating before I got married.  In fact...I really only dated him.  I had maybe 5 other dates total.  So...this is all so new to me now.  I thought it would help give me some confidence, but really it has not!  I am always so nervous to go on those first dates.  What will we talk about?  Will I look like a total idiot?  Will I laugh way too loud that he'll think I am being fake?  Will he be disappointed when he sees me in person?  It's like all my self seen flaws come up and roar their ugly heads.  Everything that I hate about myself comes up in the worst form.  And I doubt all my actions, words, texts, smiles, kisses....Oh, I mean not kisses.  (Uhhhh....I was getting too deep.  I had to lighten this up a little!)

GREAT SCOTT!!!!!!

So.  I said fuck it and started dancing.  When in doubt, turn up the music and dance right?  In your underwear looking like a damn fool.  Do those stupid moves.  No one is here to judge you.  No one is here to make you feel stupid.  No one is here to make you feel less confident about who you are.  It's just you.  All of you.  The parts of you that you like and hate.  Just dance, Damn it!

Another damn birthday...

Oh yes....my Birthday.  It was yesterday.  I took the day off.  Slept in.  Ate Chuy's with my parents and one sister.  Graded papers.  Relaxed.  Wait....I graded papers?  Yes.  I did.  That is what happens when you procrastinate and not grade them during the week.  You get homework on your birthday.  I digress....

Yes. It was my birthday yesterday.  I turned 37.  37?!?  Really?!?!  Wow...where has the time gone?  I thought for fun I would look back on the "7" years of my life.  Let's start with 7.

It is 1986.  I am in the first grade.  We are just a family of 4, my little sis wasn't born yet.  My best friends are Jennie and Sarah.  I got glasses...boo.  I am a huge nerd.  Honestly...that is all I remember!

It is 1996.  I am a junior. 17.  I play French Horn in the band.  I am still a nerd.  I have a huge crush on our French Horn marching band guy instructor.  I have not yet been on a date or had my first kiss.  (I am a huge nerd remember?)  My best friends are Julie and Amy (Sarah and Jennie moved away...but I am still in contact with them sometimes).  I remember being a rebellion and leaving the church I grew up in!  I was bullied at church and hated going there.  But I loved God so knew I still needed to go.  I got the balls to leave that year and attend a church where I knew kids I went to school with and where I was not made fun of.  God...those girls were bitches!

It is 2006.  I am 27.  I am newly married.  I am a homeowner.  I just made the move down to 5th grade and I am loving it!  Mary Ann and Carrie are amazing teammates!  These kids are my people!!  I am still a new teacher...this is only my 4th year.  My Grandma and Papa are still alive and still live at the farm.  Sarah, Keith and Jodi are my best friends.  Life is good.  I have so many dreams about my future at this time.  I am really happy.

It is 2016.  I am 37.  I am divorced.  I am no longer a homeowner.  I am in my 14th year as a teacher.  I am happy.  I am not where I thought I would be though when I look back at my 7, 17, 27 year old selves.  But I am happy.  Not sure where God is wanting me in this crazy life.  I wonder where I will be at 47, 57, 67, etc.?

I choose happiness

2016 is still going strong!  I am working on my resolutions.  There has been no puking.  Healthier changes have been made...eating better, walking a lot.  A shit ton lot.  And I am still working on remembering I am worthy of happiness.  That one is the hardest...and I know I am still in January and resolutions are easy now, but I am liking the way I am feeling so I really want to continue this trend!

I get asked all the time how I keep so happy.  How I keep a smile on my face and a positive attitude.  First off, I am glad I come off that way.  I don't always feel happy so knowing that I portray it at least is good.  I came across this quote from Liz Taylor, who had her share of heartache.

This quote says it all!  I just do it.  I will not let it get to me.  I go about living.  The past molds us to make us who we are, but it does not define us.  I refuse to have a poor me attitude.  I know at times I can, but I don't want to be looked at that way.  I don't want to be pitied.  I don't want to be looked at as a sad woman.  I want to live!  I want to see the world, I want to be out in the sun, I want to love and be loved.  This is living.  I can't do these things if I am not happy.  RuPaul (whom I adore...love my drag queens) says is best, "If you can't love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love someone else?"  

So, I've been promising cruise details for a while...First of all.  I miss being on that boat every single day! And those beaches?!?!  I am ready to go back....and maybe I will this summer!  The cruise was amazing.  I totally relaxed and had a blast with my friends.  We saw so much!  Iguanas, monkeys and beaches oh my in Roatan.  Climbed the Mayan Pyramids in Belize.  And got a lap dance in Mexico!  All while flirting with young men...yikes...and suave men from New Zealand.  Great memories that I will cherish forever!  If you can go on a cruise, I highly recommend it!  It is the way to travel!

I will leave you with another Liz Taylor quote...

Sounds good to me!

New Year Resolutions?

I can honestly say....thank God that 2015 is over.  I celebrated bringing in the new year with old friends and new.  And by puking my guts out.  Yep...again.

I have had a few puke moments in 2015....okay a lot of them.  Some were alcohol induced.  Some were stressed induced.  Some were actually a bad stomach bug induced or mono induced.  But puking has been a big part of my 2015.  And I do not like to puke.  At all.

My number one resolution for 2016....no puking.  To do this....I know my limits.  I know what my body can handle and not handle.  I need to keep it with what I can handle.  Now I know I could sick, but that leads to resolution number 2...be more healthy.  Yes I would like to lose weight in 2016, but more importantly I want to be healthy.  Back to the basics...fitness and healthy eating...most of the time.  And number 3 resolution....remember that I am worthy of happiness.  2015 took a lot of my joy away.  I had to slowly find it again.  I think I am really getting there.  Friends, family and God have helped me find my joy again.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.  Many of you who read this blog are my dear friends and family.  You too have gone through ups and downs in 2015 and I know you are ready for new beginnings just as I am.  I hope your 2016 is full of love and happiness.  Let's celebrate it every day together!

Merry Christmas baby!

Merry Christmas everyone!  I hope your day was a wonderful day spent with family and friends, celebrating!  Mine was fabulous!  I got to spend the day the way I wanted to spend it!  Let's go over some background....

For 10 years, 10!, I have spent Christmas day away from my family.  My family and I got together Christmas Eve...but Christmas Day?  I was spending Christmas Day with his family.  Now, I love his family, dearly, so I never minded it.  They were my family too!  So, of course I would do anything to keep the peace and make others happy.  So, we would get up at the crack of dawn to do our Christmas, go to his parents house for Christmas morning, then to his stepdad's Dad's house for Christmas lunch and then spend Christmas Evening at his Grandma's house.  Such a busy and hectic day, but spent with people I love very much so I was always okay with it.  

But this Christmas?  I got to sleep in!  Till 9:30!!!!  I didn't know you were allowed to sleep in Christmas!!!  Then I got to have my mom's yummy breakfast casserole and muffins for breakfast!!!!  Then I got to open my gifts from my parents Christmas Day!  Just like when I was little! The rest of the day was snacking on shrimp and dip, eating lasagna (yes!!) for dinner, coloring, Suduko, movies, laying on the couch, doing JibJabs and cracking up with my sister.  Laughing with my baby sister!  I haven't done that in so long!  Hear my Dad's laugh.  Seeing my Mom rolling her eyes at dinner.  All on Christmas Day!  10 years is a long time to not have done that.  No one ever asked if I missed this.  No one ever questioned me about if I was okay not doing this with my family. The decision was always made for me.  I just went along with it.  

I don't have anyone making decisions for me anymore and you know what?  It is liberating!!!!!!!  I am in charge of my own decisions!  I am in charge of what I choose to do and not to do!!!  I get to do what I want to do!  

I've had many praying for me these holidays.  I am not going to lie to you....I dreaded the holidays coming.  I thought I would get stuck in a depression.  I thought it was going to be so hard doing this without him.  Well, it wasn't hard at all.  I actually enjoyed it....immensely.  Halloween, my favorite holiday, was hard.  But I had just come off from the week I was off for having mono....I was exhausted!  Thanksgiving was the cruise and I have decided (because I can!!!!) that I want to do a Thanksgiving Cruise every year from now on.  That was the best ever!  Again, more details to come!  Well that cruise gave me the confidence to fight Christmas.  I wasn't sad.  I wasn't depressed.  I was with family that loves me and that I love.  I was with friends the days leading up to Christmas laughing and having a blast!!!  

I picked the meme that I did at the beginning of this blog for two reasons.  1.  I like wine.  2.  When you first see this card you think it's a little depressing.  She's drinking a bottle to drown her sorrow of being just her for Christmas.  But...look at it through my eyes...I am actually celebrating it just being me this Christmas.  Drink a bottle of wine and celebrate your independence!!!!  Toast it, not drown it!