Any other name....

First off, I am sorry that I have not updated recently.  It has been CRAZY!!!!  Thanksgiving was ahhh-mazing.  The cruise was fantastic!  I really found my calling in life.  Drink away the days and nights...all while traveling to exotic places and flirting with cute men!  What a life huh????  Truly an amazing trip that I plan to write about, but not tonight.  You will have to wait for all those dirty details laters!

Tonight is about a name.  His name.  Geez.  I didn't want to be here.  Not at all.  Hearing his name.  But not just his name....what I called him.  That name...that nickname...was on a TV show I was watching tonight.  It stung when I heard it.  What??????  Why would this sting?  It totally surprised me.  I am over this.  I am finally feeling better.  What the fuck?  Not okay brain.  Why would hearing his name hurt?  And then I started to think...it's like he died.  Not divorced me, but died.  He is gone.  I guess in most divorces they still might have to talk to their exes, especially if they have kids.  But we have no connections.  None.  Our only mutual friend chose his side. So...he's gone.  I am beginning to feel like he never existed.  Like he was just a distant memory.  Or a made up dream/nightmare.  Is this normal?  Does all divorced women feel that way?

I know it happened.  All the good times and especially the bad times, really at the end.  The hurtful things said.  The shock of it all.  The lies. Those things happened.  And I can't forget those.  But I am beginning to forget the good times.  Is this a coping mechanism?  Is this God's way of protecting me?  I am not sure, but it made me sad tonight.  Sad to say I have had to go through this.  Today is the 10 month anniversary when all this started...at least on my end.  I am coming up to a year from the start of this.  Wow.  How time flies and how time can heal.  

I feel I am so much better.   Some days I am ready to take on the world.  I love my single life.  I love finally getting to meet fun people, men, and just having fun.  Not worrying about some husband at home wondering if I am going to stay out late with my girls.  Then other times I miss having someone at home wondering where I am at.  Wondering if I am having fun with the girls, all while being content at being at home by the way, because I can not have a smotherer.  Okay..went off topic.  Sorry.  I just think that I am in a weird place.

I feel better for getting this shit out.  I really feel I get down sometimes.  But writing this helps me get back up.