Firsts

First, before I start this post......

Okay...now to move on.  Today I started of thinking of the "firsts" that come up after a divorce.  I am 8 months past this awful thing that happened in my life.  8 months since the Fucktard said, "I want a divorce."  I have encountered a lot of firsts.  My first home on my own since my 2nd year of teaching.  My first date, my first kiss, my first....well...not too many details!  My first vacation.  My first bed purchase by myself!  I don't know...a lot of fun firsts.  Things that I didn't think I'd ever do without him, but I am having/getting to.  I thought they would be scary, but they have been fun.

Well....not everything has been fun.  These next firsts are the hard ones to get through.  First social media post of your "happiness", first woman (troll) you chose over me, first time you introduce said troll to your family (who was my family), first Christmas and Christmas Time without our traditions and silly times, first birthday with out each other, first anniversary without him, first time seeing each other since the divorce (I am so not looking forward to that one).  I feel there are so many more, there needs to be a checklist to go with these.  Each time one of these firsts come up, I feel like I drop back in my healing.  But, it is part of the healing.  I have to experience the good times and the bad times to truly heal from this.

I had divorce care tonight.  It was about anger.  I cried.  Quite a bit.  I am angry.  I'm still angry at the happiness he gets to have.  The unfairness of it all.  The injustice of it!  Damn it!  I should be the one showing off my happy firsts!  But no.  I don't get to.  I get to sit here and heal.  And it sucks balls!  Why does this pain stay with us?

There is a show called Black Mirror and one of the episodes was about a chip you wore in your head that allowed you to play back your memories with a remote.  Like a DVD of your life.  You could have it removed too.  And your memories would be gone.  You would still know who you were and all, but those memories, good and bad, were gone.  I wish this was a real thing sometimes.  Erase those memories and just start over. No more pain.  No more hurt.  But that is the easy way isn't it?  And what would we learn?  These bad times are to make us stronger, right?

One of the suggestions to me tonight was to start focusing on my happiness.  One of the ladies' daughters at divorce care told her when she was going through the same thing I am now, was to stop looking at the things she thought was happy for her ex and start focusing on the happy things she had that he didn't.  Like her kids, her home, her freedoms.  What a great idea.  I can not truly know if what I see is true happiness on the Fucktard's end.  It looks happy, but I don't really know that.  But I do know what happy things I have in my life.  That's why I started this post with my "firsts".  I wanted to keep my happy places on the top.  They are what I can control.  They are truly happy things.  I know they are.  There is no guessing about them.