Firsts

First, before I start this post......

Okay...now to move on.  Today I started of thinking of the "firsts" that come up after a divorce.  I am 8 months past this awful thing that happened in my life.  8 months since the Fucktard said, "I want a divorce."  I have encountered a lot of firsts.  My first home on my own since my 2nd year of teaching.  My first date, my first kiss, my first....well...not too many details!  My first vacation.  My first bed purchase by myself!  I don't know...a lot of fun firsts.  Things that I didn't think I'd ever do without him, but I am having/getting to.  I thought they would be scary, but they have been fun.

Well....not everything has been fun.  These next firsts are the hard ones to get through.  First social media post of your "happiness", first woman (troll) you chose over me, first time you introduce said troll to your family (who was my family), first Christmas and Christmas Time without our traditions and silly times, first birthday with out each other, first anniversary without him, first time seeing each other since the divorce (I am so not looking forward to that one).  I feel there are so many more, there needs to be a checklist to go with these.  Each time one of these firsts come up, I feel like I drop back in my healing.  But, it is part of the healing.  I have to experience the good times and the bad times to truly heal from this.

I had divorce care tonight.  It was about anger.  I cried.  Quite a bit.  I am angry.  I'm still angry at the happiness he gets to have.  The unfairness of it all.  The injustice of it!  Damn it!  I should be the one showing off my happy firsts!  But no.  I don't get to.  I get to sit here and heal.  And it sucks balls!  Why does this pain stay with us?

There is a show called Black Mirror and one of the episodes was about a chip you wore in your head that allowed you to play back your memories with a remote.  Like a DVD of your life.  You could have it removed too.  And your memories would be gone.  You would still know who you were and all, but those memories, good and bad, were gone.  I wish this was a real thing sometimes.  Erase those memories and just start over. No more pain.  No more hurt.  But that is the easy way isn't it?  And what would we learn?  These bad times are to make us stronger, right?

One of the suggestions to me tonight was to start focusing on my happiness.  One of the ladies' daughters at divorce care told her when she was going through the same thing I am now, was to stop looking at the things she thought was happy for her ex and start focusing on the happy things she had that he didn't.  Like her kids, her home, her freedoms.  What a great idea.  I can not truly know if what I see is true happiness on the Fucktard's end.  It looks happy, but I don't really know that.  But I do know what happy things I have in my life.  That's why I started this post with my "firsts".  I wanted to keep my happy places on the top.  They are what I can control.  They are truly happy things.  I know they are.  There is no guessing about them.

Am I doing okay?

Today I was told that I have handled this petty divorce thing well.  It wasn't the first time I have heard this statement.  So I had to wonder, "Is this true?  Have I?"  See to me, I haven't.  Believe me, I have had my fits.  Most of them the Fucktard got to see.  What a waste of a good fit huh?  Some fits I have had here in my little apartment.  Which I love by the way.  

What makes someone handle a divorce well?  Is it because I immediately got up, dusted myself off and kept going?  Is it because I didn't become a puddle of my tears?  Or is because I didn't go all bat shit crazy and shoot a bitch? Just kidding....I would never shoot a person!  Bat shit crazy?  Yeah I can do that.

Honestly, most of the reason I guess people say I am doing so well is because one, I totally trust God in this.  I honestly know in my heart that I did nothing to deserve this type of pain.  I did not ruin my marriage.  I did not push him away.  I trust that God sees that too and has something so much greater planned for me.  The only way for me to get that was to have the Fucktard leave.  I think the second reason for the look of doing so well is because I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for.  Without their daily support of me I would never have been able to survive this.  Trust me when I say it is the worst pain ever.  Y'all....I thought surely that much pain was going to kill me.  Without my family and friends to be there to witness that pain and help me through it, I would not be here today. 

So, yes I guess I am "doing well" but believe me when I say that I still hurt.  I'm still very angry (as the fairy tale from previous posts show).  But I refuse to allow this to make me cold.  I will not let it harden my heart.  I trust God will eventually take away this anger and pain, but I still have a long road ahead of me.

Oh...and one more time.....

Warning: Reader discretion is advised...

So...I  got a message from a past friend for using an offensive word in my blog.  You are right.  I did.  I apologize.  But let me tell you why I used it.  I have friends that are gay.  I adore them.  I would never in a million years ever say anything to offend them on purpose because I respect and love them.  There is a word I used in my last blog that is offensive.  The person that hurt me is gay.  And the things he did and said to me were offensive.  He was supposed to be my best friend.  But he wasn't.  He turned out to be an ugly, selfish person.  And I called him this.  Because I think of him as Offensive. a contemptible or dislikable person.  

That is the 2nd definition of the word by the way.  So...I never said this blog was a nice blog.  In fact, I warned you all that I say offensive things.  Hence why it is called, "Not America's Sweetheart."  So if I offended you, I apologize.  

Fairy Tale-part 2

We continue the tale of the Princess and the Prince who wanted a divorce.  A month dragged on where the prince would go back and forth about his decision.  He wasn't sure if he wanted to try to stay and work on this marriage or leave.  But in the end, he decided he was done with his Princess.  He no longer wanted her as his bride.  He wanted her as his friend, but not as his wife.  He still wanted to keep the castle and all that came in it too.  Forced to leave, she desperately cried out to him one last time, but he would not hear of it.

She was rejected, homeless and alone.  Luckily, the princess's parents lived in a cottage not too far away, so she went there.  She was heartbroken.  Her life as she knew it had just been flipped upside down  Everything she knew had been shattered to a million tiny pieces and they could not be put back together again.  She had to start over.

Over and over the princess kept getting blows to her life.  She had been replaced by the new woman in her old life.  Her castle, her life, her inlaws, her prince and her fairy.  But, luckily for the princess, the truth came out and she found he was not a prince and her fairy was not a fairy.  The prince was actually not a prince at all.  He was a frog...king of the frogs and his new name became "Fucktard."  He moved his new love into the castle, who ended up being a troll, not a maiden or another princess.  And the princess's fairy?  He was nothing but a ******, who chose to be on the side of the Fucktard and the troll and not her true best friend.  She had been blinded all these years to who they truly were.  It took the troll to bring out the truth.

Did this make things easier for the princess?  No.  But it did let her see the truth better and know she had to guard her heart.

Is the princess alone?  Yes and no.  She is alone in the sense she does not have her prince.  And she may never find him.  But she is not alone in this journey.  She has found out through this heartbreak that she is truly loved by many.  She never knew how many people loved her.  All she ever saw was the love of the so called prince.  But in reality, so many people had missed being with their princess.

The Fucktard had stolen her for his own selfish reasons and it took away her joy.  But she was unaware of it till the truth was revealed.

She may not have her prince, but she she is never alone.

The princess has many adventures waiting for her.  Her life has opened up to limitless possibilities.  She just needs to be open to them and live this new life she has been given.  She doesn't need a prince to do this.  She is strong enough to this on her own.  If she can survive this heartache, she can survive anything.  After all, she is a princess.  And a princess is the strongest and bravest of them all.