Merry Christmas baby!

Merry Christmas everyone!  I hope your day was a wonderful day spent with family and friends, celebrating!  Mine was fabulous!  I got to spend the day the way I wanted to spend it!  Let's go over some background....

For 10 years, 10!, I have spent Christmas day away from my family.  My family and I got together Christmas Eve...but Christmas Day?  I was spending Christmas Day with his family.  Now, I love his family, dearly, so I never minded it.  They were my family too!  So, of course I would do anything to keep the peace and make others happy.  So, we would get up at the crack of dawn to do our Christmas, go to his parents house for Christmas morning, then to his stepdad's Dad's house for Christmas lunch and then spend Christmas Evening at his Grandma's house.  Such a busy and hectic day, but spent with people I love very much so I was always okay with it.  

But this Christmas?  I got to sleep in!  Till 9:30!!!!  I didn't know you were allowed to sleep in Christmas!!!  Then I got to have my mom's yummy breakfast casserole and muffins for breakfast!!!!  Then I got to open my gifts from my parents Christmas Day!  Just like when I was little! The rest of the day was snacking on shrimp and dip, eating lasagna (yes!!) for dinner, coloring, Suduko, movies, laying on the couch, doing JibJabs and cracking up with my sister.  Laughing with my baby sister!  I haven't done that in so long!  Hear my Dad's laugh.  Seeing my Mom rolling her eyes at dinner.  All on Christmas Day!  10 years is a long time to not have done that.  No one ever asked if I missed this.  No one ever questioned me about if I was okay not doing this with my family. The decision was always made for me.  I just went along with it.  

I don't have anyone making decisions for me anymore and you know what?  It is liberating!!!!!!!  I am in charge of my own decisions!  I am in charge of what I choose to do and not to do!!!  I get to do what I want to do!  

I've had many praying for me these holidays.  I am not going to lie to you....I dreaded the holidays coming.  I thought I would get stuck in a depression.  I thought it was going to be so hard doing this without him.  Well, it wasn't hard at all.  I actually enjoyed it....immensely.  Halloween, my favorite holiday, was hard.  But I had just come off from the week I was off for having mono....I was exhausted!  Thanksgiving was the cruise and I have decided (because I can!!!!) that I want to do a Thanksgiving Cruise every year from now on.  That was the best ever!  Again, more details to come!  Well that cruise gave me the confidence to fight Christmas.  I wasn't sad.  I wasn't depressed.  I was with family that loves me and that I love.  I was with friends the days leading up to Christmas laughing and having a blast!!!  

I picked the meme that I did at the beginning of this blog for two reasons.  1.  I like wine.  2.  When you first see this card you think it's a little depressing.  She's drinking a bottle to drown her sorrow of being just her for Christmas.  But...look at it through my eyes...I am actually celebrating it just being me this Christmas.  Drink a bottle of wine and celebrate your independence!!!!  Toast it, not drown it!  

Any other name....

First off, I am sorry that I have not updated recently.  It has been CRAZY!!!!  Thanksgiving was ahhh-mazing.  The cruise was fantastic!  I really found my calling in life.  Drink away the days and nights...all while traveling to exotic places and flirting with cute men!  What a life huh????  Truly an amazing trip that I plan to write about, but not tonight.  You will have to wait for all those dirty details laters!

Tonight is about a name.  His name.  Geez.  I didn't want to be here.  Not at all.  Hearing his name.  But not just his name....what I called him.  That name...that nickname...was on a TV show I was watching tonight.  It stung when I heard it.  What??????  Why would this sting?  It totally surprised me.  I am over this.  I am finally feeling better.  What the fuck?  Not okay brain.  Why would hearing his name hurt?  And then I started to think...it's like he died.  Not divorced me, but died.  He is gone.  I guess in most divorces they still might have to talk to their exes, especially if they have kids.  But we have no connections.  None.  Our only mutual friend chose his side. So...he's gone.  I am beginning to feel like he never existed.  Like he was just a distant memory.  Or a made up dream/nightmare.  Is this normal?  Does all divorced women feel that way?

I know it happened.  All the good times and especially the bad times, really at the end.  The hurtful things said.  The shock of it all.  The lies. Those things happened.  And I can't forget those.  But I am beginning to forget the good times.  Is this a coping mechanism?  Is this God's way of protecting me?  I am not sure, but it made me sad tonight.  Sad to say I have had to go through this.  Today is the 10 month anniversary when all this started...at least on my end.  I am coming up to a year from the start of this.  Wow.  How time flies and how time can heal.  

I feel I am so much better.   Some days I am ready to take on the world.  I love my single life.  I love finally getting to meet fun people, men, and just having fun.  Not worrying about some husband at home wondering if I am going to stay out late with my girls.  Then other times I miss having someone at home wondering where I am at.  Wondering if I am having fun with the girls, all while being content at being at home by the way, because I can not have a smotherer.  Okay..went off topic.  Sorry.  I just think that I am in a weird place.

I feel better for getting this shit out.  I really feel I get down sometimes.  But writing this helps me get back up.