The Sun Will Rise

I absolutely love Kelly Clarkson.  She knows my soul in her Stronger album.  I swear she wrote those songs for everyone going through heart ache.  Right now, The Sun Will Rise, is a song that is touching my soul.  Maybe it will touch yours too.  Here are the lyrics.

I can see the weight there in your eyes
I can feel the thorn in your side
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night

The sun will rise
The sun will rise
When you've lost your lights
The sun will rise
It'll be alright
It'll be alright

I've been in stuck in a storm before
Felt the wind raging at my door
Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't find a way out
Somehow my clouds disappeared
Somehow I made it here
Maybe just so you could hear me say

The sun will rise
The sun will rise (The sun will rise)
When you've lost your lights
The sun will rise
It'll be alright (It'll be alright)
It'll be alright
It'll be alright
It'll be alright

And though you can't see it's
So hard to believe it
Sometimes you just need a little faith (All you need is a little faith)
There's an answer to your prayer
And I swear that there'll come a day, yeah

The sun will rise
The sun will rise (The sun will rise)
The sun will rise (The sun will rise)
The sun will rise
Yeah
The sun will rise
The sun will rise
The sun will rise

It'll be alright
It'll be alright (Eeyeaheeyeah)
It'll be alright (Eeyeaheeyeah)
It'll be alright (Eeyeaheeyeah)

The sun will rise

I need to know that the sun will rise.  I'm pretty much there.  I hope what I am going through will help so many others get through their pain.  I hope that I can be there to say to someone "the sun will rise and you will be alright."  Even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be stronger in the end.

Obstacles

So this weekend, I did not go to Winstar.  Instead I did a mud run.  Yes people....I ran in the mud.  There were about 20 obstacles during this run that I had to attempt as well.  I attempted all but 4.  I finished the race, got a medal, and was covered in mud.

What did I learn from this dirty run you might say?  Well...that I can do what I put my fucking mind to!  This was not an easy run.  I did very little running really because the terrain was very rough.  The first obstacle to get through was a pit of mud that was capturing people's shoes only then to go up a muddy, steep hill.  I am not good at going up hills let along a muddy one.  So, I went to the side and used every bush, tree, sunflower to haul my ass up it.  After that, I found another poor soul, who like me, almost died up that hill and decided walking would be best.  Her name is Emma and she was my cheer leader!

We continued this journey together, and I try to do every obstacle except one.  One I knew I couldn't do.  Three, I really tried, but it just wasn't going to happen.  The first one was a vertical wall that had one step to get up on and then you had to jump up and haul your ass over it.  I could not haul my ass over it.  The 2nd was a tower of tires you had to climb up and over.  I could not lift myself up to get to the top, so nope on this one.  Third one was another muddy hill....I could not get up it.  Either someone was going to have to push my ass up it, or I was just going to trek through the water to the other side.  I chose that.  The 4th, neither Emma nor I attempted.  It was a concrete wall with no rope you had to get up.  We both were out on that one.

But...I did complete some really hard ones though!  I climbed ropes....high ropes!  I am terrified of heights so this was huge for me!  I climbed large ladders, I went up walls and hills with ropes and over them, I did monkey bars, I did army crawls in mud (2 of them!), I went through tunnels on my belly and hauled tires and sand bags through rough terrain. And of course....I went through tons of mud!  I was a muddy mess!  At one point I had a twig sticking out of my wrist...it is still swollen!  I am bruised and banged up.  And I loved it!  It really helped me gain some perspective about myself physically and mentally.

I am comparing this race to my life right now.  I have come so far in this journey that I am able to do things I never imagined I would be able to do!  Live by myself, speak up for myself when I am angry, go on dates, pay off bills, be alone.  There are some obstacles that I am not quite ready to take on yet.  I don't have the strength to do them quite yet.  But I will soon.  I just need to keep praying and talking and getting this shit out.  I still have quite a bit of healing to do before I can do some obstacles...but I know I will be there eventually.  The physical obstacles in the race that I didn't do didn't scare me...I just wasn't ready physically to do them.  I just need to be stronger, thinner.  The obstacles that I have now don't scare me....I'm just not healed enough to face them yet.  But I will get there.

So thank you Cyndi for getting my ass there to that race.  Thank you Bri for being to there to cheer me on.  Thank you Emma for staying with me during this race and becoming a new friend.  I am ready to try it again next year and see how much further I have come!!!

A day off...

I took the day off today from work.  Originally, I had planned to drive to Colorado with a friend for the weekend.  She had to cancel. I had thought about taking this trip by myself, but it wouldn't have been as fun, so....I just stayed home.  I feel I can write about this because I did take a personal day, so I can use it for whatever I want.  I didn't call in sick, so I am not lying about why I am not at work.

After my plans got changed, I thought...what do I want to do with this day off?  At first, I thought I should just cancel it.  Go back to work.  Save the day for another time.  But you see....I have a lot of days saved up.  Like 70 of them.  I have always just taken off a day here and a day there, but never all of them.  I was saving them up for an emergency, or for maternity leave or something.  So, what do I do with a day off?  Well, for starters....I slept in.  I slept for 11 hours.  It was glorious.  Sleep to me is the elixir of life.  It can solve so many problems.  Don't feel good?  Go to sleep.  Hung over?  Go to sleep.  Sad about life?  Go to sleep.  Need to work out some shit going on in your life?  Go to sleep.  I always feel so much better after I sleep for a long period of time.  No napping shit....I mean a deep, uninterrupted sleep.  It's like it gives my body and mind time to readjust and I feel I can handle anything that comes my way.

Since school started back I have just been so tired.  I kind of feel like I have the blues.  When this divorce process started, I was in survival mode at school.  Just trying to make it day to day without losing my shit in front of everyone.  Then summer happened, and I was on a free for all.  Doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted.  Just going, going, going.  Now that school has started back and my divorce is final, this is my life.  And it's kind of sad.  I get up and go to work.  I go work out, come home eat dinner, go to bed.  Ready to do this all over again tomorrow.  The same damn boring thing.  Is this what being an adult is all about?  I feel there is something more meaningful that I need to do in my life right now.  Just not sure what that it is.  Don't get me wrong.  I love teaching...I just got the blues this year.

I know I need to spend some time in prayer.  And I do.  Everyday.  God's timing is not always our timing though, and I am probably the most impatient person you will ever meet.  I hate to wait.  Hate it!  And God knows that....do you ever feel like He makes us wait for His own enjoyment?  Like, it's hilarious to Him to watch us be these impatient jerks?  There is no time in Heaven...time is an Earthly thing.  So, He just laughs at us until He is ready to show us what we are supposed to do?

So back to what I am going to do today on my day off....I don't know.  I think my birth certificate finally came in, so I need to go get my passport for my trip in November.  I will probably do that.  I thought about going to Winstar....trying my luck at some slots.  Giving me some time to drive in my car and listen to music and my thoughts.  I still might do it.  Who knows?  I guess I will let the day determine my mood and go from there.  I'll let ya know next time I update.

1st day of Fall!

I am so excited that today is the first day of Fall!  I love the Fall!  It brings about a chill in the air, pumpkins, getting to wear scarves and my boots, but most importantly change.  A friend sent this to me today.

This is why I am excited about Fall.  I am needing to learn that change can be beautiful.  I am hoping that this season I learn this.  

On a lighter note today....I finally felt like a successful teacher this school year.  It has been a rough time back.  Getting into the swing of things has taken these kiddos some time.  We are almost done with the 1st 6 weeks and today I thought, "I can do this.  I feel like I actually helped some kids learn today."  Today we were spending our 3rd day on dividing with 2 digit divisors.  This is a challenge for most of my students.  My 2nd class is, how do I put it?... A mess.  Well, some of the more challenging ones were actually getting it!  They were dividing, by themselves, without whining or freaking out, or asking me for my undivided attention.  They were using the strategies I had taught and were doing it!  I needed this success today!  

See...this is my 14th year as a teacher.  With all the change that happened in my life with my divorce, I started to question my career too.  I have always loved being a teacher.  It is the one constant thing in my life.  I've thought about other careers, but they were usually exotic ones....a CSI agent, a funeral director, a world traveler like Rick Steves, paranormal investigator. ( I guess a funeral director isn't exotic...but I always thought I'd be good at it!) But teaching is my true passion.  After the divorce though, I didn't feel like a good teacher.  I zoned out.  Went into survival mode.  And all this after I got teacher of the year at my school.  I felt awful.  I couldn't enjoy the fact that I was being rewarded for my passion!  For what I loved to do more than anything.  Instead...I got to endure the pain of divorce.  I've never said this out loud.  He took away my joy.  My joy was lost for awhile.  But...it's been coming back.  Ever so slowly.  

Well...fuck the lighter note....I went drama real fast!  Always drama!

Embarrassing

I am sitting here on my back porch, listening to the fountain and Garth Brooks, enjoying this gorgeous weather tonight.  I am thinking about my weekend and past week.  Because see....I had an embarrassing weekend.

We all have those embarrassing moments in our life.  They can be just a second or days long.  I've had all the classics...farted in class...as a student and teacher, slipped going down, up or just by the stairs, played the wrong notes in performances or competitions, yelled out loud at an inappropriate time in a pep rally....I could keep going.

This weekend is no exception to the classic embarrassment.  Some may thing some of these things are not embarrassing, but they are for me, so humor me.  I shall list them in order as they happened.

1.  Friday night...go out to Pluckers and drink 2 very large glasses of beer.  Good times.  However, it made my inhibitions go down and I just talked and talked about myself and my problems.  Yes I was out with friends and that is what we are here for, but lately I feel I only ever talk about my issues.  Plus I sent ridiculous text messages.  Sorry to the receiver of those texts.

2.  Friday night....a friend comes over after the beer and I have more beer!  We talk and talk and talk, because again, when my inhibitions are down....and I was glad to get out some stuff, but geez...tired of having to get the stuff out.

3.  Saturday morning....I wake up exactly in time to leave to get my haircut.  I am now rushing out the door to drive to Burleson for my haircut.  I am stuck in the God awful traffic of I35 and thanking God I do not live over there anymore.  A bonus from the divorce!  So needless to say I was late.  So rude.

4.  Saturday afternoon at said haircut....I ask my hairstylist about my ex.  Let me explain something, my ex and I share the same hairstylist.  So I just had put her in an awkward position.  She answered my questions, and I got upset.  I should not have put her in that position.  So....I no longer have my hairstylist.  I cancelled my next appointment and told her that I would not be coming back.  That I can not have the curiousity to ask about my ex.  While I was at it, I called my ex's uncle and told him that I can not longer talk to him or the family.  I needed to cut all ties to my ex.

5.  Saturday afternoon....Now I am bawling my eyes out on my way to my little cousins 5th bday party.  My sister called and told me to go home.  I was too emotional.  So I missed the bday.  I am so sorry baby!!!

6. Saturday Evening...I am doing a 10K tonight!  What was I thinking?  It took me 90 minutes!  I was one of the last ones to finish!!!  I'm all walking in to the finish line and they are picking up cones behind me.

7.  Saturday evening....here is the final embarrassment.  The embarrassment of all embarrassments.  We are at Fuzzy's getting tacos for after the race.  I eat 4 nachos and feel sick.  I stand up and head to the bathroom.  I pass a big trashcan on the way.  I should have stopped there, but no....I must make it to the bathroom.  I get maybe 10 feet away and I vomit.  Into my napkin at first, but then the projectile starts.  I am now puking all the way to the bathroom.  I get in bathroom and puke all over the stall and then finally make it over the toilet.  And I continue to puke.  For like 5 minutes.  And no...I did not have any beer that day at all!

Why do I share all this embarrassment for you?  Well, back to why I am not America's Sweetheart.  I am a mess!  I think America's Sweetheart would have her shit together.  She would be fine with all this crap going on in her life.  She would be ready to move on with her life and be happy.  That's not me.  I let my emotions get the best of me to the point of exhaustion and puking.

I will say I did feel better though.  Not just physically, but emotionally too.  It's like I threw up all the junk I was holding inside. Finding out all the shit I learned this week about my ex put me over the edge.  I thought it wouldn't bother me, but like my last post said....it did bother me a lot.  So I guess I kept that anger in.  Well it came out all over Fuzzy's Tacos Shop.  All over it.  And I feel better.  I do.

I will leave you with this image for tonight.  I'm sure that is what the cleaning boy thought as he had to clean up my vomit.

Slap in the face

I sit here listening to The Weekend and looking out my window to a view of a pond, trees, and a gorgeous sliver of the moon.  Sitting here contemplating what the hell my life is about.  Why I am here in this place at this time.  Why I am the one who just gets disappointment after disappointment over and over again.  I try so hard to be positive and happy, but today I am not feeling it.

So where is this coming from?  Well, a combo of a lot of things, but mostly about the news I got yesterday.  I found out that my stupid ex husband has asked the woman he had an affair with to move into the house we owned together.  Yep...they live together.  Slap.  In.  My.  Face.  And, he is introducing her to his family.  Another slap.

Now I am going to pause for a moment and say that the person who told me I adore greatly and he said he wasn't sure he should share this info with me.  I told him I was good (and I truly am).  I would rather know from a friend then have to find out personally.  So please don't worry about telling me!!!!!

Let me tell you why I am mad.  I am mad because why does he get to be happy?  He has caused me so much pain and hurt (and I'm pretty sure I will have trust issues forever).  Someone who has ripped out my heart, spit on it, burnt it and put it back in gets to be happy?  Someone so selfish and egotistical gets to be happy?  How the fuck is that fair?

I need to pause again for a moment and talk about why I named my blog Not America's Sweetheart.  I confess...

I know I talk about God a lot in this blog....He truly is my strength and refuge right now.  But when I am mad....I say awful words.  Awful, awful words.  I can make a sailor blush with my vocabulary.  It's bad, it's a sin I know, but I feel so so much better when I can just say fuck.

So, back to my pity party as I am calling it now.  I want to set the record straight.  I am not mad that he with another woman.  He and I "will never never never ever get back together." to quote the magnificent Taylor Swift.  I can not and will not ever talk to him on my own accord again.  As far as he and I are concerned, there is no he and I.

I am mad because he gets to be happy.  And I just sit here with my broken heart, by myself.  When does he get to suffer?  When does he get to have his heart broken?  When does he get to cry himself to sleep?  When does he get to pretend to be okay when he is dying inside?  Why do I get to be the one who has to suffer?

One of my dear friends prayed with me last night and it truly helped me feel better about this whole situation.  She reminded me that someone who turns from God will suffer eventually.  That in the end, my ex will have to stand before God and be judged for his actions.  She reminded me that I need to walk with God right now, holding on to His hand and not letting go.  That God is allowing this suffering for a purpose.  That He hears my cries and knows my heart's desires and that His plan is far greater than anything I could even begin to hope for.

But I'm impatient.  I want this hurt to be gone.  I want to be past all this.  I want the life I am supposed to have.  But we aren't granted short cuts.  So for now I will just have to accept this life as it is.  Pray that my time comes.  Have faith that I will be okay.  That I will heal.  Until then, I'll just try mending these bruises from the slap in the face.

Who am I?

Today I talked with a sweet friend about my blog.  She too has been through a divorce and it was refreshing to talk to someone who knows what I'm feeling.  A few things stuck with me though...

One was how much she had changed after her divorce.  She had lost herself in her marriage and was not happy.  I totally relate to that.  I was looking through some old photos the other day and I asked myself, "Who is that girl?  What happened to her?"  I had lost myself in my marriage.  My ex had taken over who I was, who I identified with as a person.  I thought myself as his wife.  That was me.  Not Anna.  I changed some of my beliefs, I changed some of my interests.  Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be? Aren't we supposed to want to please our spouses and have common interests?   It can be, but only if both parties are willing and wanting.  He never changed his beliefs or his interests, and that is where we fell. He never tried to find my interests or my beliefs.  It was always about him.   I lost me.  What is amazing is that now I have the chance to find me all over again.  Find that girl that was in those photos.  Start over.

This girl.  She was so happy.  She had just gotten contacts and was finally feeling good about herself.  Where did she go?

The other thing that stuck with me was how this divorce will always be a part of me.  I will struggle forever with the emotions and pain this divorce caused.  Yes I will accept it and yes I will move on, but the hurt and trust issues will always be there.  I will have to work to move past them always.  That doesn't make me happy.  I wish I could switch off a switch and make this just go away.  But I can't.  For some reason God has allowed this to happen in my life.  It may be so I can be Anna again, not his wife.  It may be so I can reach out to others about divorce or it may be just because this is life.  I don't know.  I will probably never know.

The one thing I don't want to become is bitter.  I have prayed fervently that God will take the bitterness out of my heart.  I do not want hate in my heart.  I am better than that.  My ex controlled so many things, but he does not get to control my heart anymore.  I am still very angry over all of this, but I don't have to let it take over my new life.  I just need to get through this.

Currently staying in the now

  

Love these Currently linkys.  They are so much fun!  It lets me remember what some of my thoughts were on this day when I will look back.  I am currently in a support group for ladies and we did an exercise with these today that really was helpful and insightful!  I have the best counselor!!

I've gotten many complements on this blog and I am so appreciative of them all!  I truly did this so I could get out some of my thoughts and maybe help out a few of my friends with my story.  I never imagined so many of you would need to hear my words as much as I needed to say them.  Thank you!

Trying to remember to be happy in the now is hard sometimes.  I am constantly reminding myself of the blessings I have in this life, not my miseries.  It is so easy to sit around and think about all the things I did wrong, that he did wrong, how none of this was my plan and that it is not fair.  But God won't let me...that's Satan.  God gives me the strength to move on, to put that smile on my face and just go with it!  

My plan is to use these "Currently" posts more. They are fun and I think they make me stop and think about the now.  Maybe they will help you think about your "now" too!  Feel free to comment your "currently"s too!  I'd love to know what you are experiencing too!

Lonesome Cold Pizza

My dinner this evening consisted of cold pizza, guacamole and chips and fruit punch.  As I was preparing this scrumptious dish, I thought to myself, "I am really alone."  Not in a sad way, but in a "say it loud" kind of way.  I had spent the last 10 1/2 years with someone.  Living with someone, being around someone, sleeping with someone, talking with someone.  I had to work around someone else's every move and mood.  I thought of this lonesomeness tonight when I looked at my dinner.  I was eating whatever I wanted.  I didn't have to come home and cook a meal that I wasn't that fond of, but knew is was something someone else liked.  I didn't have to clean up the whole kitchen after cooking a meal I didn't enjoy because it was just my meal.  I was okay with being alone tonight.

Me eating dinner tonight.  Yummers!

I guess I didn't realize how much I actually did as a wife.  I cooked, cleaned, mowed the lawn, fed the cat, laundry all while having a full time job (and at one time a part time job and full time job).  Now I find myself only doing the things I want to.  And...it...is...freeing.  Maybe I was more controlled than  I thought.  Maybe this is just another stage to go through.  I'm not sure.  But I'm okay with it.  I am comfortable with it.  I feel empowered by it.

Don't get me wrong...I do want to marry again.  I really did enjoy being a wife.  Not all the domestic things really, but the supportive things.  I was a cheerleader.  I supported him in all his actions and decisions.  I enjoyed helping him and taking care of him.  I was proud of him.  I know God hears our desires.  He knows what we want in life....but we have to remember that what He wants for us is way more than just what we want.  What He has planned for us is way bigger and better than anything we could come up with.

I am on this ride...you are riding along with me.  I hope it is getting good!

Good G-R-I-E-F

Grief.  It's such an ugly word.  I've felt grief before.  I was very close to my Grandparents, especially my Grandmother.  When they passed away, I felt grief.  I went into a funk.  But, I got out.

But this kind of grief is different.  I could accept my Grandparents' death.  After all, death is part of life.  We must die.  My Grandparents lived an incredible life and it was their time to go.  But this kind of grief is different.

Someone leaving on their own accord tears you open and spits on your heart.  It is poison to your mind and being.  It takes over so much of you.  They say there are 5 stages of grief.  Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  They can come in any order.  And can repeat many times.  I have been through all of them.

Denial-I refused to tell anyone but just 4 people when I found out my husband had cheated on me.  I only had told 1 soul that my husband had said he wasn't sure I was in his next 40 year life.  I was ashamed.  I was embarrassed.  I felt it was all my fault.  That I was so stupid and disgusting that I couldn't even keep my husband.  I didn't want anyone to know how ashamed I felt.  So I kept it in.  For several weeks.

Anger-This one comes on strong and then goes away.  I have been in this stage many times.  I honestly, still am here.  When I found out about the affair, I lost it.  I have never felt anger like that in my life.  I hope the dents and scratches stay in that house forever.  When he said he wanted a divorce and didn't want to work it out, I felt so much anger that I hit him.  Every time he texts me to let me know one more thing that has to be done to end our "partnership" I want to throw my phone out the window of my car.

Bargaining-I've only been here once.  It was not pretty.  I begged.  I mean begged for him to stay.  I bargained everything I had.  Promises I knew I couldn't keep.  Anything to keep him with me.  It was pathetic to say the least.  I have never gone back to this stage.  I hated myself after that.

Depression-I lost 25 pounds in one month from this divorce.  I didn't eat.  I didn't sleep.  I was on sleeping pills and anti-depression pills.  This is another stage I go in and out of.  I haven't been here for awhile.  I hope I'm out.  But I doubt it.

Acceptance-While I haven't accepted true forgiveness yet for what has happened, I have accepted that it has happened.  That this was not a nightmare.  It was real life.  I have accepted that our marriage is over.

I go over these stages because I know if I didn't have my God, I would still be either depressed or in denial.  But His strength has helped in my healing.  He is fixing my heart.  He is cleaning up my life.  Prayer is my only way to make it.

My prayer today is that this blog helps you somehow.  I hope these words can help you in whatever you are going though.  This is just cathartic for me.  Helps me get out some of this anger.  But maybe it will give you some hope.  Stay for the ride.  We're just getting to the good part.

So what do I do now?

Oh you came back?  Thanks!  I promise I won't be too depressing.  I actually am quite happy now....I saw a quote yesterday that I am going to try to live up to each day.  "Today I will be as happy as a bird with a french fry!"  Isn't that great?

So I left off telling you about the start of the divorce.  This truly is the worst thing I have ever been through.  I never thought my husband would leave.  He loved me.  Truly loved me.  I loved him.  Never loved anyone else as much as him.   But isn't it funny how we believe lies?  I truly do believe he loved me at one time,  but he fell out of love for me when someone else came into the picture that he thought met his needs better.  Perhaps she did/does.  I don't know.  I have nothing to do with him.  We never had children, so there truly is no reason for me to ever talk/see him again.  And I am thankful for it everyday.  So, by the end of March he asked for a divorce.  March was hell.  He had made up his mind about the divorce when I called him out for cheating.  But he lied to me and went back and forth with my emotions and heart and in the end honestly broke me.  But....God is stronger than any man on this earth.  He picked up my broken self and reminded me I am His.  Always His.  I can do anything and everything through His strength.  I can not tell you how I was able to get out of bed every morning.  I can not tell you how I was able to keep a smile on my face for my sweet students every day.  I can not tell you how I did not just crawl into a ball and die.  I wanted to.  So many times.  I truly and deeply was broken.  But...God didn't let me do anything to hurt myself more.  He just kept me going.  

I'm not sure what this blog will do for others, but for me, it allows me to get some junk out.  To really say what is on my mind and my heart.  I hope you stay for the ride.  Believe me...this story just gets better!

Well...that happened.

So, today I start this blog on my crazy life so far.  I never thought I would be in the place that I am at this moment.  Back in February my husband of 10 years, the man I have known since I was 18 said he didn't want to be married to me anymore.  Out of the blue.  Just....no more.  I found out 2 weeks later he was having an affair, then by the end of the March he said he wanted a divorce.  I was homeless, broken, and all alone.  But truthfully, it was when my life finally began.  This is my story.  It's a crazy one!  It should be a Lifetime movie.  Come along for the ride!