Confidence

I have just danced around my living room to Taylor Swift.  In my cute new boy shorts and cami.  I am looking like a damn fool!  But it was a really good song!  Why am I telling you this?  And why would I ever think I should be dancing around!?!?

People....I walked the Cowtown Half Marathon.  Seriously.  It took 3 hours and 40 minutes of my fat life to do it, but I did it.  This ass walked all 13.1 miles, all over Ft. Worth.  I conquered that bitch of a hill.  I hit that wall at 10 miles, but found a new friend to talk me through it.  I had to poop at 11 miles, but I kept it in till I was finished!  My fingers looked like sausages...I couldn't walk for about 24 hours after it.  But I did it.

So, now that you know this, that is why dancing around my living room sounds impossible!  I should still be sore!  I should be barely able to walk!  But no!  My body is strong enough to make it through a half marathon.  That should give me all the confidence in the world!

But the thing is....I don't I have the confidence of the world.  In fact, I don't think I have much at all.  Do you ever have one of those days you doubt everything you've ever done and what you are planning to do?

Do I want to stay a teacher?  I had a parent get upset with me today. This really got to me.  Why am I still doing this?  I know it is just one parent, but this isn't the first and won't be the last.  It has been a rough year professionally.  And it makes me start to doubt if I need to stay in this profession.  I'm beginning to lose my confidence.

So...if you know me.....this will come to no shock to you....but I am dating.  Yes really!  I know!  I've been dating for a while now.  It has been interesting to say the least.  I didn't do much dating before I got married.  In fact...I really only dated him.  I had maybe 5 other dates total.  So...this is all so new to me now.  I thought it would help give me some confidence, but really it has not!  I am always so nervous to go on those first dates.  What will we talk about?  Will I look like a total idiot?  Will I laugh way too loud that he'll think I am being fake?  Will he be disappointed when he sees me in person?  It's like all my self seen flaws come up and roar their ugly heads.  Everything that I hate about myself comes up in the worst form.  And I doubt all my actions, words, texts, smiles, kisses....Oh, I mean not kisses.  (Uhhhh....I was getting too deep.  I had to lighten this up a little!)

GREAT SCOTT!!!!!!

So.  I said fuck it and started dancing.  When in doubt, turn up the music and dance right?  In your underwear looking like a damn fool.  Do those stupid moves.  No one is here to judge you.  No one is here to make you feel stupid.  No one is here to make you feel less confident about who you are.  It's just you.  All of you.  The parts of you that you like and hate.  Just dance, Damn it!