Slap in the face

I sit here listening to The Weekend and looking out my window to a view of a pond, trees, and a gorgeous sliver of the moon.  Sitting here contemplating what the hell my life is about.  Why I am here in this place at this time.  Why I am the one who just gets disappointment after disappointment over and over again.  I try so hard to be positive and happy, but today I am not feeling it.

So where is this coming from?  Well, a combo of a lot of things, but mostly about the news I got yesterday.  I found out that my stupid ex husband has asked the woman he had an affair with to move into the house we owned together.  Yep...they live together.  Slap.  In.  My.  Face.  And, he is introducing her to his family.  Another slap.

Now I am going to pause for a moment and say that the person who told me I adore greatly and he said he wasn't sure he should share this info with me.  I told him I was good (and I truly am).  I would rather know from a friend then have to find out personally.  So please don't worry about telling me!!!!!

Let me tell you why I am mad.  I am mad because why does he get to be happy?  He has caused me so much pain and hurt (and I'm pretty sure I will have trust issues forever).  Someone who has ripped out my heart, spit on it, burnt it and put it back in gets to be happy?  Someone so selfish and egotistical gets to be happy?  How the fuck is that fair?

I need to pause again for a moment and talk about why I named my blog Not America's Sweetheart.  I confess...

I know I talk about God a lot in this blog....He truly is my strength and refuge right now.  But when I am mad....I say awful words.  Awful, awful words.  I can make a sailor blush with my vocabulary.  It's bad, it's a sin I know, but I feel so so much better when I can just say fuck.

So, back to my pity party as I am calling it now.  I want to set the record straight.  I am not mad that he with another woman.  He and I "will never never never ever get back together." to quote the magnificent Taylor Swift.  I can not and will not ever talk to him on my own accord again.  As far as he and I are concerned, there is no he and I.

I am mad because he gets to be happy.  And I just sit here with my broken heart, by myself.  When does he get to suffer?  When does he get to have his heart broken?  When does he get to cry himself to sleep?  When does he get to pretend to be okay when he is dying inside?  Why do I get to be the one who has to suffer?

One of my dear friends prayed with me last night and it truly helped me feel better about this whole situation.  She reminded me that someone who turns from God will suffer eventually.  That in the end, my ex will have to stand before God and be judged for his actions.  She reminded me that I need to walk with God right now, holding on to His hand and not letting go.  That God is allowing this suffering for a purpose.  That He hears my cries and knows my heart's desires and that His plan is far greater than anything I could even begin to hope for.

But I'm impatient.  I want this hurt to be gone.  I want to be past all this.  I want the life I am supposed to have.  But we aren't granted short cuts.  So for now I will just have to accept this life as it is.  Pray that my time comes.  Have faith that I will be okay.  That I will heal.  Until then, I'll just try mending these bruises from the slap in the face.