Good G-R-I-E-F

Grief.  It's such an ugly word.  I've felt grief before.  I was very close to my Grandparents, especially my Grandmother.  When they passed away, I felt grief.  I went into a funk.  But, I got out.

But this kind of grief is different.  I could accept my Grandparents' death.  After all, death is part of life.  We must die.  My Grandparents lived an incredible life and it was their time to go.  But this kind of grief is different.

Someone leaving on their own accord tears you open and spits on your heart.  It is poison to your mind and being.  It takes over so much of you.  They say there are 5 stages of grief.  Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  They can come in any order.  And can repeat many times.  I have been through all of them.

Denial-I refused to tell anyone but just 4 people when I found out my husband had cheated on me.  I only had told 1 soul that my husband had said he wasn't sure I was in his next 40 year life.  I was ashamed.  I was embarrassed.  I felt it was all my fault.  That I was so stupid and disgusting that I couldn't even keep my husband.  I didn't want anyone to know how ashamed I felt.  So I kept it in.  For several weeks.

Anger-This one comes on strong and then goes away.  I have been in this stage many times.  I honestly, still am here.  When I found out about the affair, I lost it.  I have never felt anger like that in my life.  I hope the dents and scratches stay in that house forever.  When he said he wanted a divorce and didn't want to work it out, I felt so much anger that I hit him.  Every time he texts me to let me know one more thing that has to be done to end our "partnership" I want to throw my phone out the window of my car.

Bargaining-I've only been here once.  It was not pretty.  I begged.  I mean begged for him to stay.  I bargained everything I had.  Promises I knew I couldn't keep.  Anything to keep him with me.  It was pathetic to say the least.  I have never gone back to this stage.  I hated myself after that.

Depression-I lost 25 pounds in one month from this divorce.  I didn't eat.  I didn't sleep.  I was on sleeping pills and anti-depression pills.  This is another stage I go in and out of.  I haven't been here for awhile.  I hope I'm out.  But I doubt it.

Acceptance-While I haven't accepted true forgiveness yet for what has happened, I have accepted that it has happened.  That this was not a nightmare.  It was real life.  I have accepted that our marriage is over.

I go over these stages because I know if I didn't have my God, I would still be either depressed or in denial.  But His strength has helped in my healing.  He is fixing my heart.  He is cleaning up my life.  Prayer is my only way to make it.

My prayer today is that this blog helps you somehow.  I hope these words can help you in whatever you are going though.  This is just cathartic for me.  Helps me get out some of this anger.  But maybe it will give you some hope.  Stay for the ride.  We're just getting to the good part.