Who am I?

Today I talked with a sweet friend about my blog.  She too has been through a divorce and it was refreshing to talk to someone who knows what I'm feeling.  A few things stuck with me though...

One was how much she had changed after her divorce.  She had lost herself in her marriage and was not happy.  I totally relate to that.  I was looking through some old photos the other day and I asked myself, "Who is that girl?  What happened to her?"  I had lost myself in my marriage.  My ex had taken over who I was, who I identified with as a person.  I thought myself as his wife.  That was me.  Not Anna.  I changed some of my beliefs, I changed some of my interests.  Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be? Aren't we supposed to want to please our spouses and have common interests?   It can be, but only if both parties are willing and wanting.  He never changed his beliefs or his interests, and that is where we fell. He never tried to find my interests or my beliefs.  It was always about him.   I lost me.  What is amazing is that now I have the chance to find me all over again.  Find that girl that was in those photos.  Start over.

This girl.  She was so happy.  She had just gotten contacts and was finally feeling good about herself.  Where did she go?

The other thing that stuck with me was how this divorce will always be a part of me.  I will struggle forever with the emotions and pain this divorce caused.  Yes I will accept it and yes I will move on, but the hurt and trust issues will always be there.  I will have to work to move past them always.  That doesn't make me happy.  I wish I could switch off a switch and make this just go away.  But I can't.  For some reason God has allowed this to happen in my life.  It may be so I can be Anna again, not his wife.  It may be so I can reach out to others about divorce or it may be just because this is life.  I don't know.  I will probably never know.

The one thing I don't want to become is bitter.  I have prayed fervently that God will take the bitterness out of my heart.  I do not want hate in my heart.  I am better than that.  My ex controlled so many things, but he does not get to control my heart anymore.  I am still very angry over all of this, but I don't have to let it take over my new life.  I just need to get through this.